The Sporting Eye

England retain Borthwick

2010-01-26T08:27:00.001-08:00

England have re-appointed Steve Borthwick as chief scape-goat for the Six Nations Championship.

After careful consideration of his options, England manager Martin Johnson confirmed that the Saracens second row would be the first point of contact for the inevitable torrent of criticism to come.

Borthwick’s experience in the role over the past year is thought to have given him the edge over his rivals. He has lead England in internationals, losing , giving him much practise at constructing excuses and mastering all the clichés in the sporting bible.

“Steve’s experience is second to none,” Johnson said. “But more important than that, he is hugely skilful. He can do the ‘we’re just focused on ourselves’, ‘all that matters is winning’, the classic ‘we don’t read the papers’, and the straight-batted delusion, ‘I think we played well’. He can even do the ‘Scotland aren’t a bad side’. The guy is very talented.

“Also he distracts attention away from the rest of us which is key at international level. If you are going to survive in this environment you need to be subtle, run distraction and use all the diversion tactics you can.”

Former Golden Boy Jonny Wilkinson was in the frame for the post but eventually lost out to Borthwick for the black armband, which signifies the death of a career and reputation.

Following his split with Golden Boy promotions – and his decision to of his second name – they fly half’s form has spiralled down the toilet. An atrocious showing over the autumn internationals and his habitual boot-licking of the management, magnified rumours that he might be ready for the ultimate job in English rugby.

But it is thought his close links with public sentiment and England’s refusal to forget the World Cup victory in 2003 have made him wholly unsuitable for the role.

*elements of this story are fiction

Latest from Australian Open...

2010-01-26T03:16:00.000-08:00

Hooligans to be banned from Manchester Derby

2010-01-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

The Football Association are to take measures to ban hooligans from the Carling Cup second leg clash between Manchester rivals City and United.

Gary Neville and Carlos Tevez will be banned from playing in the match on Wednesday June 27.

* this story is entire false

Johnson to undergo eye surgery

2010-01-18T00:56:00.001-08:00

England rugby manager Martin Johnson is to undergo laser eye surgery amid growing fears that he is suffering from acute short sightedness.

The former World Cup winning captain named his squad for the RBS Six Nations last week, which was seen by many as further evidence of his impaired vision.

His bosses at the RFU are increasingly concerned that his blinkered approach is damaging the side’s preparation for the Six Nations and their progress towards the World Cup in New Zealand in less than two years time.

“Martin spent many years in the dark depths of the ruck and staring at Phil Vickery’s fat arse, and I such images scar the eyes,” said Director of Elite Rugby Rob Andrew.

“They begin to seize up and cover over – much like the evolution of the mole. Or it could be those heavy eyebrows weighing down over his eyes. We are not sure yet.

“We are not expecting miracles, 2020 vision would be too much to hope for but we would like to see some kind of 2011 vision ahead of the World Cup.”

Experts say that Johnson has now become oblivious to fast-moving objects such as Wasps’ Danny Cipriani and bright dazzling skills such as those displayed by Northampton’s Shane Geraghty.

And Andrew is increasingly concerned.

“It is fair to say that he was never behind the wheel of the driving maul as a player but his deterioration since he began coaching has been rapid and deeply worrying,” he concluded.

* Elements of this story are entirely false.

Johnson names Covert Players' squad

2010-01-14T00:21:00.000-08:00

England manager Martin Johnson has announced his Covert Elite Players’ Squad for the 2010 Six Nations.

Johnson named his ‘public’ squad for the Championships on Wednesday before revealing his covert squad from which he will actually pick his team for Six Nations opener against Wales.

Exciting attacking talents Mathew Tait, Ben Foden and Chris Ashton were all included in the first squad but Johnson confirmed there was “no chance” of them featuring against Wales.

While veterans Andy Goode, Ayoola Erinle and Dorian West are all preparing for action from their secret training camp in the south of France.

“Of course this will not be the squad I will pick from,” Johnson confirmed. “There is no way I would pick Mathew Tait, Ben Foden or Courtney Lawes. Are you kidding?”

“I think my record speaks for itself. There is no way I would trust them to play Italy under 20 let alone Wales.”

England Covert Players’ Squad:
Ugo Monye, Delon Armitage, Mark Cueto, Matt Banahan, Ayoola Erinle, Jamie Noon, Dan Hipkiss, Mike Tindall, Andy Goode, Jonny Wilkinson, Harry Ellis, Andy Gomarsall, Jordan Crane, Nick Easter, Joe Worsley, Lewis Moody, Steve Borthwick, Grewcock, Louis Deacon, Dorian West, Duncan Bell, Tim Payne, Steve Thompson, Perry Freshwater, Jason Leonard

* Elements of this article are complete fiction.

Robinho exhibits talents

2010-01-11T02:59:00.000-08:00

Manchester City forward Robinho looks set to move this January after placing himself in the shop-window.

The Brazilian superstar, who is said to be disenchanted with life in Manchester, has been spotted by shoppers in a number of London’s high street stores showing off his skills as he attempts to secure a move away from England.

He has reportedly had stints in Harrods front window along with Selfridges and other exclusive stores in the capital. The former Real Madrid man, who fled Manchester after the latest cold snap, has been seen sporting a number of different replica shirts from Barcelona to Sydney FC – but reportedly reacted aggressively when a tried to young fan tried to pace a Manchester City shirt on the him.

One January sales shopper said: “He’s so natural. To start with I couldn’t tell the difference between him and the other manikins. When the focus was not on him, he was so stationary and static - he may as well not have been there at all. Brilliant. He has all the looks as well – moody, disconsolate, dejected – he is a natural model.”

Harrods sales assistant Steve Philips said: “It has been a pleasure to have one of the world’s most talented footballers living in one of our shop windows. It has really pulled the punters in – they have been thrilled with his samba skills and cheeky tricks, but their interest in waning. He has a nasty habit of going missing at crucial times and when we finally track him down he is making a name for himself in the accessories department.

“As much as they love watching him, in the current climate our punters want something more tangible. He may have more luck in Accessorize. Although the £30 million price tag we have attached to his big toe is not helping – its playing havoc with his ball control.

“Ultimately we had to let him go – we were having to divert all the stores heating to keep in his glass cage a constant 85.5 degrees. Anything less and he would get kranky.”

The Brazilian would appear to be maximising his exposure by posing in a range of shops from Harrods through to Tesco and Morrisons. He was last seen on Saturday morning in the Lidl superstore along with fellow Blues player Michael Johnson. Shoppers said he had perfected a new pose – sitting cross-legged, head down and hands cupped and thrust out in front of him.

* Warning this article may no be entirely accurate.

News In Brief: Big freeze hits Big Four

2010-01-05T12:00:00.001-08:00

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is the latest of the Big Four bosses to complain his side have been adversely affected by the arctic conditions that are crippling the country at present.

The Scot, who is accustomed to a chilly reception wherever he goes, watched on in disbelief as his side froze against Leeds in the FA Cup at the weekend.

“I was so shocked,” said Ferguson. “When they went onto the pitch they were fine. But when the game started they just froze, everyone one them in front of my eyes. It was like visiting Madame Tussauds at the North Pole.”

United defender Wes Brown was due to start on the sidelines but was a late call up to the starting XI and his lack of preparation and acclimatisation was immediately apparent.

By virtually Leeds’ first attack, the United defender had been turned into a statue and Jermaine Beckford blazed past him with ease to scored Leeds’ opener.

Ferguson desperately attempted to revive his team at half time with the famed hairdryer treatment. But the intense heat from his throbbing forehead and burning brow could not thaw United’s top performers. With time running out, Ferguson unleashed his verbal flamethrower, spitting ferociously in the face of his high-paid stars. But it was to no avail. He even lit a bomb under Dimitar Berbatov, but the Russian remained motionless and they all had to be wheeled out on for the second half on trolleys.

“Who needs banana skins when conditions are this precarious? We were all ways going to slip on our arse,” said Ferguson.

It is a problem the Big Four have been afflicted by in recent months with Arsenal and Chelsea also freezing at crucial moments this season. Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal have regularly come a cropper on the road.

But the saddest story of all is Liverpool. With many of their squad more accustomed to warmer climbs, Liverpool have been caught cold on numerous occadions this season.

Early season cold snaps did irreversible damage to the club, leaving severe trauma and internal complications beyond even the best match-winning surgeons. With Rafa ‘the brain’ Benitez not functioning effectively the club considered amputation, but with two American cowboys in charge they decided to hope for a miracle. Even cosmetic surgery was beyond the cash-strapped, frost-bitten club.

And despite desperate efforts to revive the famous club, Liverpool’s season was pronounced dead just before the holiday period began. They left thousands of grieving fans and several mediocre memories.

STRANGE BUT TRUE: Barton blasts fellow pros

2009-12-30T12:07:00.001-08:00

Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton claims modern footballers have lost touch with reality.

Yes, the 27-year-old, sentenced to six months in jail for assault and affray in recent years, insists his fellow pros have got it wrong.

He claims to have his feet on the ground while his fellow footballers are living in a world of self-indulgence and delusion.

"A lot of them are so detached from reality it's untrue, and there was a stage when I was like that," he told BBC Radio 4's Today programme.

"It's only the fact I'm grounded by the trouble I have been in that's forced me away from being in the football world.

"Driving round in flash cars and changing them like you change your socks, wearing stupid diamond watches and spending money like it's going out of fashion in the middle of a recession when some people are struggling to put food on the table for the kids - it's not the way to do it."

So how does Barton keep himself grounded? By grounding a fellow reveler on a Saturday night? By reaching out to the common man with and thumping him in the face?

May be Saint Joey ain't the person to preaching from the pulpit.

Barton is currently recovering from a foot - unrelated to a random act of violence.

NEWS IN BRIEF

2009-12-21T13:24:00.000-08:00

Messi named World Player of Year

Barcelona star Lionel Messi has been named FIFA World Player of the Year 2009.

In a glittering ceremony in Zurich, which was screened live to millions around the world, the Argentine international striker received his new title from deed poll and will now be known as WPOTY09 for short.

The prize included a free tattoo session and the Barca star promptly jumped into the hot seat had the letters inked across his back.

The striker had already secured the prestigious Ballon 'd Or - a perfume by David and Victoria Beckham.

Rival Cristiano Ronaldo vowed to gain his revenge next year and FIFA are investigating rumours that a man has been seen in Madrid answering to the name WPOTY10.

City deny conspiracy theories

Manchester City have dismissed the "conspiracy theories" surrounding the departure of Mark Hughes as Blues manager.

Chief executive Garry Cook said such notions were entirely fictious and were made up by the "anti-City media and pedaled by journalists with sinister and scandalous motives".

* Elements of this blog may not be entirely accurate

News in Brief: McCarthy reacts to criticism

2009-12-17T08:09:00.001-08:00

Wolves manager Mick McCarthy has rejected criticism of his team selection following their 3-0 defeat to Manchester United at Old Trafford.

McCarthy, known for his pragmatic approach to management, was accused of bringing the game in to disrepute and undermining the credibility of the Premier League by fielding a weakend.

"That's absolute tosh," retorted the former Republic of Ireland boss. "How can we have fielded a weekend team? The game was on a Tuesday night."

Despite being put straight on the true nature of the complaints, McCarthy was unrepentant.

"I completely disagree," he said. "Besides we are not the first team to do this. In 2007 Liverpool fielded a weakened team prior to their Champions League semi-final, Manchester United did a similar thing last season against Hull and Portsmouth have been selecting a woefully weak side all season.

"Now, no-one is asking for Portsmouth to be kicked out of the league... except perhaps themselves.

"No, we fielded a weak team on Tuesday and we will do it again at the weekend and so will Burnley. It is what we do."

News in brief: Festive season

2009-12-16T08:53:00.000-08:00

Yes it is that time of the year again....

Emile Heskey scores against Sunderland.

News in Brief: Shearer shunned again

2009-09-19T03:53:00.000-07:00

Alan Shearer is deperate to return to football management.

"If a job was to come up, not necessarily Newcastle, then I would be interested," he informed an assembly of school children.

However, sports master Mr Thompson quelled the youngster’s hopes by insisting that Shearer must prove his coaching abilities before taking over the school’s under-11 B team.

*Element of this story are entirely fictious.

D(oh)allaglio fights for rugby's reputation!

2009-09-04T01:05:00.000-07:00

So former England captain Lawrence Dallaglio has been chosen as the jaw-jutting figure-head of rugby’s drive to repair its tarnished reputation following a series of scandals involving foul-play, cheating and drugs.

The sport, which has thrived on a perceived moral superiority, has been rocked by allegations of drug taking by former Bath players, incidents of illegal eye-gouging and the recent ‘Bloodgate’ affair at Quins.

Dallaglio will join a 13-man Rugby Football Union task group charged with cleaning up the sport.

This, of course, is the same Lawrence Bruno Nero Dallaglio that was stripped of the England captaincy following boasting claims of drug taking revealed in a national newspaper - which he later retracted.

And Dallaglio is no stranger to allegations of foul play.

At least he has kept his nose clean since - more than can be said of former England colleague Matt Stevens.

Transfer D-Day - How it happened or didnt??

2009-09-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

07:00:00 - Skysports news’ transfer count down clock is flashing red - just 10 HOURS TO GO before the apocalypse! (or the end of trading we forget which). Let the madness start!

09:00:00 - Hmmm... so..

10:23:51 - Sources at HMV in BIRMINGHAM report Blues boss Alex McLeish has just purchased the Football Manager prompting speculation of a deadline-day spending spree. But few will be surprised he chose the 2007 version on special offer. Will it be McLeish’s last visit to the bargin bin today??

11:13:40 - Former England star Trevor Brooking is undergoing a check-up at his local GP’s - Could he be set for a return to the WEST HAM midfield? The Hammers could face competition from LIVERPOOL who are searching for an experienced replacement for Xabi Alonso

11:34:15 - The agent of superstar striker Samuel Diyae admits the player is in a four-way tussle between MANCHESTER UNITED, REAL MADRID, BARCELONA and CHELSEA.

11:49:37 - TOTTENHAM’s David Bentley is spotted at a service station on the M1 asking truckers for a lift to Manchester.

12:29:51 - Wayne Rooney spotted in his local Co-op buying Paella, prompting speculation he is about to sign for REAL MADRID in a £50million move that would guarantee the player £150,00 a week on a five-year contract.

12:03:12 - Reports suggest MANCHESTER CITY have made a renewed £150million bid for CHELSEA captain John Terry. Terry has denied he instigated the rumours but is asking Chelsea to prove their loyalty by giving him a new contract. The England defender is anxious Chelsea show their ambition to conquer Europe by giving him all their cash.

12:34:21 - PORTSMOUTH’s bid for former Wigan Striker Amr Zaki has been cast into doubt after manager Paul Hart insisted the player undergoes a ‘fit and proper persons test’.

12:47:10 - Wayne Rooney seen outside an Italian restuarant - Could the Tacos be a smokescreen for an £80million move to AC MILAN on a seven-year contract worth £145,000 a week with a house and moped thrown in?

13:24:01 - Striker Samuel Diyae has signed for BRISTOL CITY.

13:44:20 - Wayne Rooney has been spotted outside a Chinese takeaway prompting rumours of a move to

13:59:01 - LIVERPOOL owners George Gillett and Tom Hicks are currently holding a high-powered meeting with manager Rafael Benitez at McDonalds at Edge Lane Retail Park. Witnesses say Benitez is on his knees begging for an increase in his allowance but the Americans are deep in conversation about the tough times economic times, American meet and the extraordinary value of the extra-value meal.

14:29:40 - Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp has answered David Bentley’s SOS and come good on his promise ‘to deliver the to City’ himself.

14:37:12 - Skysports news have taken to the streets to mix with the ‘real fans’ on this momentus day. But the streets are empty - where is everyone on this week day. Next stop the job centre and then the pub - thank god for the recession and early opening hours.

14:56:24 - A bemused Algerian international is walking the streets of Southampton, muttering of conspiracies and broken promises.

15:00:00 - Just two hours to go before the transfer window slams shut!

15:31:41 – TOTTENHAM boss Harry Redknapp has made a bid for the entire Portsmouth team - which has been accepted.

15:34:19 - David James is leaving the Portsmouth training ground!

15:35:02 - David James is in his car... driving.

15:43:10 - David James has arrived at a building in a secret location - a possible meet-up with Harry Redknapp?

15:43:20 - David James walks into the building.

15:47:23 - David James emerges from the building shouting obsenities... it could be his home.

15:55:01 - Sky news sources are suggesting a skysports news reporter has been taken into questioning and threatened with a restraining order after rummaging through David James’ bins.

15:49:39 - Manchester City manager Mark Hughes has pleaded for a deadline extension to submit his work. According to Hughes, in the excitement of deadline-day he spilt orange squash all over his computer and had forgotten to back up his files on disk.

16:03:05 - Sightings of Leeds striker Jermain Beckford have been reported at 34 football league clubs. Beckford’s agent insists the player is keeping his ‘options open’ but is not looking for a move away from the League One club.

16:04:51 - Stoke boss Tony Pulis has denied the purchase of Carl Court was a ‘panic buy’, insisting that the club had been monitoring the former Wimbledon, Newcastle and Marbella striker for some time.

16:05:26 - Samuel Diyae has left Bristol City after failing to settle at his new club.

16:07:12 - Bolton’s last ditch efforts to sign 12 new players have been scuppered after a Ryan air flight from the Eastern Europe was diverted via Egypt.

16:39:51 - Reports on Al Jazeera tv, who are running a simultaneous transfer deadline-day extravaganza (not to be confused with another of their count down shows), suggest Supreme leader of Iran Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khameini could be considering a bid to takeover Newcastle. Khameini is likely to bring in his own man with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the running.

16:42:05 - The FA have warned the Supreme leader of Iran that he will be subject to the same strenuous, rigourous tests that allowed Thaksin Shinawatra and Mike Ashley to breeze into the Premier League.

17:00:01 - THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED - THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED – THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED – Seriously it’s over! Clubs now just have until day-break to smuggle any Russian players in under the radar.

17:03:29 - Iran President, and Newcastle United first team coach, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has vowed to bring discipine, honour and glory back to Geordieland. Newcastle’s neighbours are said to be ‘concerned’ over the developments. Ahmadinejad said among his priority would be to increase recruitment, bolster Newcastle’s firepower and stockpile a formidable arsenal in the next transfer window.

NB - The follwoing bares no relation to reality....

ESPN's eulogy to the armchair fan....

2009-08-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

According to ESPN, it is a spiritual calling and a noble cause to follow your club across the land, through rain and shine, to triumph and disaster.

But, as the ad suggests, you can always stay home, watch the footy on TV with beer on tap and no traffic in sight.

For there can be none as dedicated, honourable or admirable as the armchair fan...

"It's great to be here"... sitting at home in front of the TV.

Lonely hearts – Calros Tevez

2009-07-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

Hola, my name is Carlos. I’m a 25-year-old international footballer with squillions of pounds, many fast cars and thousands of adoring fans. But I’m not happy. To be honest, I’m lonely and desperately searching for my perfect partner.

I have gone through some bad relationships recently and it is painful to talk about them. Two years ago I thought that I had found my ideal companion – one I could grow old with. They were rich, successful, treated me well and took me all over the world, but there was always something missing, something not quite right. And when it came to the biggest dates I was always left sitting on my own on the bench. Imagine being shunned for that Shrek-lookalike Rooney or that Bulgarian h**e Berbatov? Can you imagine what it does to your self-esteem? I bared my soul in front of everyone but I was cruelly rejected. Screw them the f**king b*****s! But I have moved on and I hold no malice to those Devils .

Anyway, I may not be the most elegant player (like some bloody lazy Bulgarian) or as flamboyant as that winker who left for Madrid, but I’m passionate, I work hard and I’m as loyal as a dog (some even call me Kia’s bitch – maybe it is a new breed). It must be said that my desire to hook up with my former partner’s biggest rival, who have recent come into big money, is of no consequence at all.

Of you I ask very little, just your eternal love and undying attention and £25million. Of course this money is not for me. Oh no! It is for my life-long, dear, dear friend Mr Joorabchin. (People say he is my pimp or my oppressor but this is so cruel – we simply have an agreement where he owns and controls me. Is that so hard for people to understand?)

Anyway call me,
Carlos

News in brief - Owen's dodgy dossier

2009-06-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

Michael Owen’s advisors have issued a dossier to prospective buyers of the former England international detailing his career achievements, medical state and contractual situation.

The dossier reports that Owen is a free agent this summer - in case Liverpool, Aston Villa and Everton do not know - and looking to for a new club since Newcastle United’s relegation from the Premier League.

It includes a four-page medical review, “brand value” evaluation, and categorises his many qualities.

But then again who believes in dossiers anymore.

Hall of shame: Bernard Parker

2009-06-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

South Africa's Bernard Parker in the 0-0 draw with Iraq in the Confederation Cup in Johannesburg....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/internationals/8099735.stm

Kazakhstan in shock at "ultimate insult"

2009-06-08T00:28:00.000-07:00

The nation of Kazakhstan is in a state of shock this morning as they wake up to the greatest humiliation in their footballing history.

Defeat to England in the World Cup qualifier at Almaty on Saturday night had been anticipated - but none of the pundits had foreseen a first competitive international goal in nine years for Emile Heskey. The Aston Villa target man scored England’s second goal, a wonder goal converted from an impossibly acute angle. The Kazakhstan side never recovered from the shock and went on to lose 4-0, leading to a national outpouring of grief with members of the Kazakh’s crack commando unit seen sobbing into their fellow officers’ arms at pitch-side.

Heskey, who is famed for his near post defending at corners, scored his last such goal against Denmark in the 2002 World Cup. Countries such as Finland, Iceland, Albania, South Korea, Slovakia, Liechtenstein, FYR Macedonia and Andorra have all managed to keep the big striker at bay. He now has seven goals in 53 internationals.

“It is the ultimate humiliation for our once proud nation of Kazakhstan,” said the coach as he fought back the tears at the side of the Central Stadium. “To concede a goal... I am sorry I just cannot speak of it.”

An hour later the Football Federation of Kazakhstan (FFK) announced that Storck had submitted his resignation, which was regretfully accepted. Storck was later spotted at the Aktau port, fleeing the country on a container ship for a more peaceful life in neighbouring Iran.

Meanwhile, England manager emerged from the dressing room after three hours of intensive treatment - though the doctors refused to reveal the cause of his temporary comatose state. Despite the sedatives, Capello was still seething.

“That is not what I picked him for,” raged the Italian. “That was not his role. I require discipline from my players, if I assign them a job I expect them to fulfil that job. Heskey was a renegade out there, he was out of control and I will think long and hard about his international future.”

But Capello did offer the Aston Villa man some hope as he reflected on the players contribution to England this season. “He has revolutionised the role of a striker, an attacking player, indeed he has transformed the game of football,” Capello said. “In the 20th century people thought a striker must score goals. That they must hit the back of the net. Ha, ha, ha how wrong they were! Of course we can look back and laugh now, but back then people really believed it. Honestly!

“Heskey has changed all that. He has transformed our perceptions of what a forward is, what a striker should do, and how we view the game. Incredible. He is a pioneer. A striker that does not score - he is a phenomenon.”

* This in no way reflects reality and is entrely untrue!

Hall of shame: Sebastian Viera

2009-06-07T03:19:00.000-07:00

Centenario stadium, Montevideo
Uruguay 0 Brazil 4

Watch it at...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzvBNCAZWew