Johnson to undergo eye surgery

England rugby manager Martin Johnson is to undergo laser eye surgery amid growing fears that he is suffering from acute short sightedness.

The former World Cup winning captain named his squad for the RBS Six Nations last week, which was seen by many as further evidence of his impaired vision.

His bosses at the RFU are increasingly concerned that his blinkered approach is damaging the side’s preparation for the Six Nations and their progress towards the World Cup in New Zealand in less than two years time.

“Martin spent many years in the dark depths of the ruck and staring at Phil Vickery’s fat arse, and I such images scar the eyes,” said Director of Elite Rugby Rob Andrew.

“They begin to seize up and cover over – much like the evolution of the mole. Or it could be those heavy eyebrows weighing down over his eyes. We are not sure yet.

“We are not expecting miracles, 2020 vision would be too much to hope for but we would like to see some kind of 2011 vision ahead of the World Cup.”

Experts say that Johnson has now become oblivious to fast-moving objects such as Wasps’ Danny Cipriani and bright dazzling skills such as those displayed by Northampton’s Shane Geraghty.

And Andrew is increasingly concerned.

“It is fair to say that he was never behind the wheel of the driving maul as a player but his deterioration since he began coaching has been rapid and deeply worrying,” he concluded.



* Elements of this story are entirely false.