England retain Borthwick

England have re-appointed Steve Borthwick as chief scape-goat for the Six Nations Championship.

After careful consideration of his options, England manager Martin Johnson confirmed that the Saracens second row would be the first point of contact for the inevitable torrent of criticism to come.

Borthwick’s experience in the role over the past year is thought to have given him the edge over his rivals. He has lead England in internationals, losing , giving him much practise at constructing excuses and mastering all the clichés in the sporting bible.

“Steve’s experience is second to none,” Johnson said. “But more important than that, he is hugely skilful. He can do the ‘we’re just focused on ourselves’, ‘all that matters is winning’, the classic ‘we don’t read the papers’, and the straight-batted delusion, ‘I think we played well’. He can even do the ‘Scotland aren’t a bad side’. The guy is very talented.

“Also he distracts attention away from the rest of us which is key at international level. If you are going to survive in this environment you need to be subtle, run distraction and use all the diversion tactics you can.”

Former Golden Boy Jonny Wilkinson was in the frame for the post but eventually lost out to Borthwick for the black armband, which signifies the death of a career and reputation.

Following his split with Golden Boy promotions – and his decision to of his second name – they fly half’s form has spiralled down the toilet. An atrocious showing over the autumn internationals and his habitual boot-licking of the management, magnified rumours that he might be ready for the ultimate job in English rugby.

But it is thought his close links with public sentiment and England’s refusal to forget the World Cup victory in 2003 have made him wholly unsuitable for the role.


*elements of this story are fiction

Johnson to undergo eye surgery

England rugby manager Martin Johnson is to undergo laser eye surgery amid growing fears that he is suffering from acute short sightedness.

The former World Cup winning captain named his squad for the RBS Six Nations last week, which was seen by many as further evidence of his impaired vision.

His bosses at the RFU are increasingly concerned that his blinkered approach is damaging the side’s preparation for the Six Nations and their progress towards the World Cup in New Zealand in less than two years time.

“Martin spent many years in the dark depths of the ruck and staring at Phil Vickery’s fat arse, and I such images scar the eyes,” said Director of Elite Rugby Rob Andrew.

“They begin to seize up and cover over – much like the evolution of the mole. Or it could be those heavy eyebrows weighing down over his eyes. We are not sure yet.

“We are not expecting miracles, 2020 vision would be too much to hope for but we would like to see some kind of 2011 vision ahead of the World Cup.”

Experts say that Johnson has now become oblivious to fast-moving objects such as Wasps’ Danny Cipriani and bright dazzling skills such as those displayed by Northampton’s Shane Geraghty.

And Andrew is increasingly concerned.

“It is fair to say that he was never behind the wheel of the driving maul as a player but his deterioration since he began coaching has been rapid and deeply worrying,” he concluded.



* Elements of this story are entirely false.

Johnson names Covert Players' squad

England manager Martin Johnson has announced his Covert Elite Players’ Squad for the 2010 Six Nations.

Johnson named his ‘public’ squad for the Championships on Wednesday before revealing his covert squad from which he will actually pick his team for Six Nations opener against Wales.

Exciting attacking talents Mathew Tait, Ben Foden and Chris Ashton were all included in the first squad but Johnson confirmed there was “no chance” of them featuring against Wales.

While veterans Andy Goode, Ayoola Erinle and Dorian West are all preparing for action from their secret training camp in the south of France.

“Of course this will not be the squad I will pick from,” Johnson confirmed. “There is no way I would pick Mathew Tait, Ben Foden or Courtney Lawes. Are you kidding?”

“I think my record speaks for itself. There is no way I would trust them to play Italy under 20 let alone Wales.”

England Covert Players’ Squad:
Ugo Monye, Delon Armitage, Mark Cueto, Matt Banahan, Ayoola Erinle, Jamie Noon, Dan Hipkiss, Mike Tindall, Andy Goode, Jonny Wilkinson, Harry Ellis, Andy Gomarsall, Jordan Crane, Nick Easter, Joe Worsley, Lewis Moody, Steve Borthwick, Grewcock, Louis Deacon, Dorian West, Duncan Bell, Tim Payne, Steve Thompson, Perry Freshwater, Jason Leonard



* Elements of this article are complete fiction.

D(oh)allaglio fights for rugby's reputation!

So former England captain Lawrence Dallaglio has been chosen as the jaw-jutting figure-head of rugby’s drive to repair its tarnished reputation following a series of scandals involving foul-play, cheating and drugs.

The sport, which has thrived on a perceived moral superiority, has been rocked by allegations of drug taking by former Bath players, incidents of illegal eye-gouging and the recent ‘Bloodgate’ affair at Quins.

Dallaglio will join a 13-man Rugby Football Union task group charged with cleaning up the sport.

This, of course, is the same Lawrence Bruno Nero Dallaglio that was stripped of the England captaincy following boasting claims of drug taking revealed in a national newspaper - which he later retracted.

And Dallaglio is no stranger to allegations of foul play.

At least he has kept his nose clean since - more than can be said of former England colleague Matt Stevens.