Robinho exhibits talents

Manchester City forward Robinho looks set to move this January after placing himself in the shop-window.

The Brazilian superstar, who is said to be disenchanted with life in Manchester, has been spotted by shoppers in a number of London’s high street stores showing off his skills as he attempts to secure a move away from England.

He has reportedly had stints in Harrods front window along with Selfridges and other exclusive stores in the capital. The former Real Madrid man, who fled Manchester after the latest cold snap, has been seen sporting a number of different replica shirts from Barcelona to Sydney FC – but reportedly reacted aggressively when a tried to young fan tried to pace a Manchester City shirt on the him.

One January sales shopper said: “He’s so natural. To start with I couldn’t tell the difference between him and the other manikins. When the focus was not on him, he was so stationary and static - he may as well not have been there at all. Brilliant. He has all the looks as well – moody, disconsolate, dejected – he is a natural model.”

Harrods sales assistant Steve Philips said: “It has been a pleasure to have one of the world’s most talented footballers living in one of our shop windows. It has really pulled the punters in – they have been thrilled with his samba skills and cheeky tricks, but their interest in waning. He has a nasty habit of going missing at crucial times and when we finally track him down he is making a name for himself in the accessories department.

“As much as they love watching him, in the current climate our punters want something more tangible. He may have more luck in Accessorize. Although the £30 million price tag we have attached to his big toe is not helping – its playing havoc with his ball control.

“Ultimately we had to let him go – we were having to divert all the stores heating to keep in his glass cage a constant 85.5 degrees. Anything less and he would get kranky.”

The Brazilian would appear to be maximising his exposure by posing in a range of shops from Harrods through to Tesco and Morrisons. He was last seen on Saturday morning in the Lidl superstore along with fellow Blues player Michael Johnson. Shoppers said he had perfected a new pose – sitting cross-legged, head down and hands cupped and thrust out in front of him.


* Warning this article may no be entirely accurate.

News In Brief: Big freeze hits Big Four

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is the latest of the Big Four bosses to complain his side have been adversely affected by the arctic conditions that are crippling the country at present.

The Scot, who is accustomed to a chilly reception wherever he goes, watched on in disbelief as his side froze against Leeds in the FA Cup at the weekend.

“I was so shocked,” said Ferguson. “When they went onto the pitch they were fine. But when the game started they just froze, everyone one them in front of my eyes. It was like visiting Madame Tussauds at the North Pole.”

United defender Wes Brown was due to start on the sidelines but was a late call up to the starting XI and his lack of preparation and acclimatisation was immediately apparent.

By virtually Leeds’ first attack, the United defender had been turned into a statue and Jermaine Beckford blazed past him with ease to scored Leeds’ opener.

Ferguson desperately attempted to revive his team at half time with the famed hairdryer treatment. But the intense heat from his throbbing forehead and burning brow could not thaw United’s top performers. With time running out, Ferguson unleashed his verbal flamethrower, spitting ferociously in the face of his high-paid stars. But it was to no avail. He even lit a bomb under Dimitar Berbatov, but the Russian remained motionless and they all had to be wheeled out on for the second half on trolleys.

“Who needs banana skins when conditions are this precarious? We were all ways going to slip on our arse,” said Ferguson.

It is a problem the Big Four have been afflicted by in recent months with Arsenal and Chelsea also freezing at crucial moments this season. Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal have regularly come a cropper on the road.

But the saddest story of all is Liverpool. With many of their squad more accustomed to warmer climbs, Liverpool have been caught cold on numerous occadions this season.

Early season cold snaps did irreversible damage to the club, leaving severe trauma and internal complications beyond even the best match-winning surgeons. With Rafa ‘the brain’ Benitez not functioning effectively the club considered amputation, but with two American cowboys in charge they decided to hope for a miracle. Even cosmetic surgery was beyond the cash-strapped, frost-bitten club.

And despite desperate efforts to revive the famous club, Liverpool’s season was pronounced dead just before the holiday period began. They left thousands of grieving fans and several mediocre memories.

STRANGE BUT TRUE: Barton blasts fellow pros

Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton claims modern footballers have lost touch with reality.

Yes, the 27-year-old, sentenced to six months in jail for assault and affray in recent years, insists his fellow pros have got it wrong.

He claims to have his feet on the ground while his fellow footballers are living in a world of self-indulgence and delusion.

"A lot of them are so detached from reality it's untrue, and there was a stage when I was like that," he told BBC Radio 4's Today programme.

"It's only the fact I'm grounded by the trouble I have been in that's forced me away from being in the football world.

"Driving round in flash cars and changing them like you change your socks, wearing stupid diamond watches and spending money like it's going out of fashion in the middle of a recession when some people are struggling to put food on the table for the kids - it's not the way to do it."

So how does Barton keep himself grounded? By grounding a fellow reveler on a Saturday night? By reaching out to the common man with and thumping him in the face?

May be Saint Joey ain't the person to preaching from the pulpit.

Barton is currently recovering from a foot - unrelated to a random act of violence.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Messi named World Player of Year

Barcelona star Lionel Messi has been named FIFA World Player of the Year 2009.

In a glittering ceremony in Zurich, which was screened live to millions around the world, the Argentine international striker received his new title from deed poll and will now be known as WPOTY09 for short.

The prize included a free tattoo session and the Barca star promptly jumped into the hot seat had the letters inked across his back.

The striker had already secured the prestigious Ballon 'd Or - a perfume by David and Victoria Beckham.

Rival Cristiano Ronaldo vowed to gain his revenge next year and FIFA are investigating rumours that a man has been seen in Madrid answering to the name WPOTY10.


City deny conspiracy theories

Manchester City have dismissed the "conspiracy theories" surrounding the departure of Mark Hughes as Blues manager.

Chief executive Garry Cook said such notions were entirely fictious and were made up by the "anti-City media and pedaled by journalists with sinister and scandalous motives".


* Elements of this blog may not be entirely accurate

News in Brief: McCarthy reacts to criticism

Wolves manager Mick McCarthy has rejected criticism of his team selection following their 3-0 defeat to Manchester United at Old Trafford.

McCarthy, known for his pragmatic approach to management, was accused of bringing the game in to disrepute and undermining the credibility of the Premier League by fielding a weakend.

"That's absolute tosh," retorted the former Republic of Ireland boss. "How can we have fielded a weekend team? The game was on a Tuesday night."

Despite being put straight on the true nature of the complaints, McCarthy was unrepentant.

"I completely disagree," he said. "Besides we are not the first team to do this. In 2007 Liverpool fielded a weakened team prior to their Champions League semi-final, Manchester United did a similar thing last season against Hull and Portsmouth have been selecting a woefully weak side all season.

"Now, no-one is asking for Portsmouth to be kicked out of the league... except perhaps themselves.

"No, we fielded a weak team on Tuesday and we will do it again at the weekend and so will Burnley. It is what we do."

News in brief: Festive season

Yes it is that time of the year again....




Emile Heskey scores against Sunderland.

News in Brief: Shearer shunned again

Alan Shearer is deperate to return to football management.

"If a job was to come up, not necessarily Newcastle, then I would be interested," he informed an assembly of school children.

However, sports master Mr Thompson quelled the youngster’s hopes by insisting that Shearer must prove his coaching abilities before taking over the school’s under-11 B team.





*Element of this story are entirely fictious.

Transfer D-Day - How it happened or didnt??

07:00:00 - Skysports news’ transfer count down clock is flashing red - just 10 HOURS TO GO before the apocalypse! (or the end of trading we forget which). Let the madness start!

09:00:00 - Hmmm... so..

10:23:51 - Sources at HMV in BIRMINGHAM report Blues boss Alex McLeish has just purchased the Football Manager prompting speculation of a deadline-day spending spree. But few will be surprised he chose the 2007 version on special offer. Will it be McLeish’s last visit to the bargin bin today??

11:13:40 - Former England star Trevor Brooking is undergoing a check-up at his local GP’s - Could he be set for a return to the WEST HAM midfield? The Hammers could face competition from LIVERPOOL who are searching for an experienced replacement for Xabi Alonso

11:34:15 - The agent of superstar striker Samuel Diyae admits the player is in a four-way tussle between MANCHESTER UNITED, REAL MADRID, BARCELONA and CHELSEA.

11:49:37 - TOTTENHAM’s David Bentley is spotted at a service station on the M1 asking truckers for a lift to Manchester.

12:29:51 - Wayne Rooney spotted in his local Co-op buying Paella, prompting speculation he is about to sign for REAL MADRID in a £50million move that would guarantee the player £150,00 a week on a five-year contract.

12:03:12 - Reports suggest MANCHESTER CITY have made a renewed £150million bid for CHELSEA captain John Terry. Terry has denied he instigated the rumours but is asking Chelsea to prove their loyalty by giving him a new contract. The England defender is anxious Chelsea show their ambition to conquer Europe by giving him all their cash.

12:34:21 - PORTSMOUTH’s bid for former Wigan Striker Amr Zaki has been cast into doubt after manager Paul Hart insisted the player undergoes a ‘fit and proper persons test’.

12:47:10 - Wayne Rooney seen outside an Italian restuarant - Could the Tacos be a smokescreen for an £80million move to AC MILAN on a seven-year contract worth £145,000 a week with a house and moped thrown in?

13:24:01 - Striker Samuel Diyae has signed for BRISTOL CITY.

13:44:20 - Wayne Rooney has been spotted outside a Chinese takeaway prompting rumours of a move to

13:59:01 - LIVERPOOL owners George Gillett and Tom Hicks are currently holding a high-powered meeting with manager Rafael Benitez at McDonalds at Edge Lane Retail Park. Witnesses say Benitez is on his knees begging for an increase in his allowance but the Americans are deep in conversation about the tough times economic times, American meet and the extraordinary value of the extra-value meal.

14:29:40 - Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp has answered David Bentley’s SOS and come good on his promise ‘to deliver the to City’ himself.

14:37:12 - Skysports news have taken to the streets to mix with the ‘real fans’ on this momentus day. But the streets are empty - where is everyone on this week day. Next stop the job centre and then the pub - thank god for the recession and early opening hours.

14:56:24 - A bemused Algerian international is walking the streets of Southampton, muttering of conspiracies and broken promises.

15:00:00 - Just two hours to go before the transfer window slams shut!

15:31:41 – TOTTENHAM boss Harry Redknapp has made a bid for the entire Portsmouth team - which has been accepted.

15:34:19 - David James is leaving the Portsmouth training ground!

15:35:02 - David James is in his car... driving.

15:43:10 - David James has arrived at a building in a secret location - a possible meet-up with Harry Redknapp?

15:43:20 - David James walks into the building.

15:47:23 - David James emerges from the building shouting obsenities... it could be his home.

15:55:01 - Sky news sources are suggesting a skysports news reporter has been taken into questioning and threatened with a restraining order after rummaging through David James’ bins.

15:49:39 - Manchester City manager Mark Hughes has pleaded for a deadline extension to submit his work. According to Hughes, in the excitement of deadline-day he spilt orange squash all over his computer and had forgotten to back up his files on disk.

16:03:05 - Sightings of Leeds striker Jermain Beckford have been reported at 34 football league clubs. Beckford’s agent insists the player is keeping his ‘options open’ but is not looking for a move away from the League One club.

16:04:51 - Stoke boss Tony Pulis has denied the purchase of Carl Court was a ‘panic buy’, insisting that the club had been monitoring the former Wimbledon, Newcastle and Marbella striker for some time.

16:05:26 - Samuel Diyae has left Bristol City after failing to settle at his new club.

16:07:12 - Bolton’s last ditch efforts to sign 12 new players have been scuppered after a Ryan air flight from the Eastern Europe was diverted via Egypt.

16:39:51 - Reports on Al Jazeera tv, who are running a simultaneous transfer deadline-day extravaganza (not to be confused with another of their count down shows), suggest Supreme leader of Iran Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khameini could be considering a bid to takeover Newcastle. Khameini is likely to bring in his own man with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the running.

16:42:05 - The FA have warned the Supreme leader of Iran that he will be subject to the same strenuous, rigourous tests that allowed Thaksin Shinawatra and Mike Ashley to breeze into the Premier League.

17:00:01 - THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED - THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED – THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED – Seriously it’s over! Clubs now just have until day-break to smuggle any Russian players in under the radar.

17:03:29 - Iran President, and Newcastle United first team coach, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has vowed to bring discipine, honour and glory back to Geordieland. Newcastle’s neighbours are said to be ‘concerned’ over the developments. Ahmadinejad said among his priority would be to increase recruitment, bolster Newcastle’s firepower and stockpile a formidable arsenal in the next transfer window.

NB - The follwoing bares no relation to reality....