Transfer D-Day - How it happened or didnt??

07:00:00 - Skysports news’ transfer count down clock is flashing red - just 10 HOURS TO GO before the apocalypse! (or the end of trading we forget which). Let the madness start!

09:00:00 - Hmmm... so..

10:23:51 - Sources at HMV in BIRMINGHAM report Blues boss Alex McLeish has just purchased the Football Manager prompting speculation of a deadline-day spending spree. But few will be surprised he chose the 2007 version on special offer. Will it be McLeish’s last visit to the bargin bin today??

11:13:40 - Former England star Trevor Brooking is undergoing a check-up at his local GP’s - Could he be set for a return to the WEST HAM midfield? The Hammers could face competition from LIVERPOOL who are searching for an experienced replacement for Xabi Alonso

11:34:15 - The agent of superstar striker Samuel Diyae admits the player is in a four-way tussle between MANCHESTER UNITED, REAL MADRID, BARCELONA and CHELSEA.

11:49:37 - TOTTENHAM’s David Bentley is spotted at a service station on the M1 asking truckers for a lift to Manchester.

12:29:51 - Wayne Rooney spotted in his local Co-op buying Paella, prompting speculation he is about to sign for REAL MADRID in a £50million move that would guarantee the player £150,00 a week on a five-year contract.

12:03:12 - Reports suggest MANCHESTER CITY have made a renewed £150million bid for CHELSEA captain John Terry. Terry has denied he instigated the rumours but is asking Chelsea to prove their loyalty by giving him a new contract. The England defender is anxious Chelsea show their ambition to conquer Europe by giving him all their cash.

12:34:21 - PORTSMOUTH’s bid for former Wigan Striker Amr Zaki has been cast into doubt after manager Paul Hart insisted the player undergoes a ‘fit and proper persons test’.

12:47:10 - Wayne Rooney seen outside an Italian restuarant - Could the Tacos be a smokescreen for an £80million move to AC MILAN on a seven-year contract worth £145,000 a week with a house and moped thrown in?

13:24:01 - Striker Samuel Diyae has signed for BRISTOL CITY.

13:44:20 - Wayne Rooney has been spotted outside a Chinese takeaway prompting rumours of a move to

13:59:01 - LIVERPOOL owners George Gillett and Tom Hicks are currently holding a high-powered meeting with manager Rafael Benitez at McDonalds at Edge Lane Retail Park. Witnesses say Benitez is on his knees begging for an increase in his allowance but the Americans are deep in conversation about the tough times economic times, American meet and the extraordinary value of the extra-value meal.

14:29:40 - Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp has answered David Bentley’s SOS and come good on his promise ‘to deliver the to City’ himself.

14:37:12 - Skysports news have taken to the streets to mix with the ‘real fans’ on this momentus day. But the streets are empty - where is everyone on this week day. Next stop the job centre and then the pub - thank god for the recession and early opening hours.

14:56:24 - A bemused Algerian international is walking the streets of Southampton, muttering of conspiracies and broken promises.

15:00:00 - Just two hours to go before the transfer window slams shut!

15:31:41 – TOTTENHAM boss Harry Redknapp has made a bid for the entire Portsmouth team - which has been accepted.

15:34:19 - David James is leaving the Portsmouth training ground!

15:35:02 - David James is in his car... driving.

15:43:10 - David James has arrived at a building in a secret location - a possible meet-up with Harry Redknapp?

15:43:20 - David James walks into the building.

15:47:23 - David James emerges from the building shouting obsenities... it could be his home.

15:55:01 - Sky news sources are suggesting a skysports news reporter has been taken into questioning and threatened with a restraining order after rummaging through David James’ bins.

15:49:39 - Manchester City manager Mark Hughes has pleaded for a deadline extension to submit his work. According to Hughes, in the excitement of deadline-day he spilt orange squash all over his computer and had forgotten to back up his files on disk.

16:03:05 - Sightings of Leeds striker Jermain Beckford have been reported at 34 football league clubs. Beckford’s agent insists the player is keeping his ‘options open’ but is not looking for a move away from the League One club.

16:04:51 - Stoke boss Tony Pulis has denied the purchase of Carl Court was a ‘panic buy’, insisting that the club had been monitoring the former Wimbledon, Newcastle and Marbella striker for some time.

16:05:26 - Samuel Diyae has left Bristol City after failing to settle at his new club.

16:07:12 - Bolton’s last ditch efforts to sign 12 new players have been scuppered after a Ryan air flight from the Eastern Europe was diverted via Egypt.

16:39:51 - Reports on Al Jazeera tv, who are running a simultaneous transfer deadline-day extravaganza (not to be confused with another of their count down shows), suggest Supreme leader of Iran Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khameini could be considering a bid to takeover Newcastle. Khameini is likely to bring in his own man with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the running.

16:42:05 - The FA have warned the Supreme leader of Iran that he will be subject to the same strenuous, rigourous tests that allowed Thaksin Shinawatra and Mike Ashley to breeze into the Premier League.

17:00:01 - THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED - THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED – THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED – Seriously it’s over! Clubs now just have until day-break to smuggle any Russian players in under the radar.

17:03:29 - Iran President, and Newcastle United first team coach, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has vowed to bring discipine, honour and glory back to Geordieland. Newcastle’s neighbours are said to be ‘concerned’ over the developments. Ahmadinejad said among his priority would be to increase recruitment, bolster Newcastle’s firepower and stockpile a formidable arsenal in the next transfer window.

NB - The follwoing bares no relation to reality....