Kazakhstan in shock at "ultimate insult"

The nation of Kazakhstan is in a state of shock this morning as they wake up to the greatest humiliation in their footballing history.

Defeat to England in the World Cup qualifier at Almaty on Saturday night had been anticipated - but none of the pundits had foreseen a first competitive international goal in nine years for Emile Heskey. The Aston Villa target man scored England’s second goal, a wonder goal converted from an impossibly acute angle. The Kazakhstan side never recovered from the shock and went on to lose 4-0, leading to a national outpouring of grief with members of the Kazakh’s crack commando unit seen sobbing into their fellow officers’ arms at pitch-side.

Heskey, who is famed for his near post defending at corners, scored his last such goal against Denmark in the 2002 World Cup. Countries such as Finland, Iceland, Albania, South Korea, Slovakia, Liechtenstein, FYR Macedonia and Andorra have all managed to keep the big striker at bay. He now has seven goals in 53 internationals.

“It is the ultimate humiliation for our once proud nation of Kazakhstan,” said the coach as he fought back the tears at the side of the Central Stadium. “To concede a goal... I am sorry I just cannot speak of it.”

An hour later the Football Federation of Kazakhstan (FFK) announced that Storck had submitted his resignation, which was regretfully accepted. Storck was later spotted at the Aktau port, fleeing the country on a container ship for a more peaceful life in neighbouring Iran.



Meanwhile, England manager emerged from the dressing room after three hours of intensive treatment - though the doctors refused to reveal the cause of his temporary comatose state. Despite the sedatives, Capello was still seething.

“That is not what I picked him for,” raged the Italian. “That was not his role. I require discipline from my players, if I assign them a job I expect them to fulfil that job. Heskey was a renegade out there, he was out of control and I will think long and hard about his international future.”

But Capello did offer the Aston Villa man some hope as he reflected on the players contribution to England this season. “He has revolutionised the role of a striker, an attacking player, indeed he has transformed the game of football,” Capello said. “In the 20th century people thought a striker must score goals. That they must hit the back of the net. Ha, ha, ha how wrong they were! Of course we can look back and laugh now, but back then people really believed it. Honestly!

“Heskey has changed all that. He has transformed our perceptions of what a forward is, what a striker should do, and how we view the game. Incredible. He is a pioneer. A striker that does not score - he is a phenomenon.”





* This in no way reflects reality and is entrely untrue!