Lonely hearts – Calros Tevez

Hola, my name is Carlos. I’m a 25-year-old international footballer with squillions of pounds, many fast cars and thousands of adoring fans. But I’m not happy. To be honest, I’m lonely and desperately searching for my perfect partner.

I have gone through some bad relationships recently and it is painful to talk about them. Two years ago I thought that I had found my ideal companion – one I could grow old with. They were rich, successful, treated me well and took me all over the world, but there was always something missing, something not quite right. And when it came to the biggest dates I was always left sitting on my own on the bench. Imagine being shunned for that Shrek-lookalike Rooney or that Bulgarian h**e Berbatov? Can you imagine what it does to your self-esteem? I bared my soul in front of everyone but I was cruelly rejected. Screw them the f**king b*****s! But I have moved on and I hold no malice to those Devils .

Anyway, I may not be the most elegant player (like some bloody lazy Bulgarian) or as flamboyant as that winker who left for Madrid, but I’m passionate, I work hard and I’m as loyal as a dog (some even call me Kia’s bitch – maybe it is a new breed). It must be said that my desire to hook up with my former partner’s biggest rival, who have recent come into big money, is of no consequence at all.

Of you I ask very little, just your eternal love and undying attention and £25million. Of course this money is not for me. Oh no! It is for my life-long, dear, dear friend Mr Joorabchin. (People say he is my pimp or my oppressor but this is so cruel – we simply have an agreement where he owns and controls me. Is that so hard for people to understand?)

Anyway call me,
Carlos